I’m over it. Heading into a dark, lonely winter with my nerves all frayed and out of sorts. It’s winter. Holidays without the hugs. And dark. No turkey parties happening here. Now the only Zooming I’m doing is on the icy track of US-40, the dog in the passenger seat wondering where the hell we are going. I’ve got cabin fever and I feel like the Lone Ranger, mask obscuring my smile.

Just like most of us, when I’m suffering I look for someone to blame for my pain or my anger or my mood. Since I am locked down, frozen up and more isolated in Hot Sulphur Springs than a death row inmate, I can’t reach for any locals to blame. I’m going national. And like everybody else I am molded by what I see on my screen, depending on where I look for my information. 

Call this the wrong stuff but I blame this monster who has dominated our screens and devices for years. It’s time to change the channel. I realize that some of you are not going to like it but we are a divided nation and I’ve pretty much given up on trying to change anyone’s mind with facts or science.

It’s time to stifle the unhinged lunatic. Time for him to stop being the only thing on my mind and my television. His off-the-cuff antics and apparent selfish confidence have gotten older than being force-fed a boiled octopus dinner every single night.

I cannot be the only one who is annoyed by his voice. I can’t be the only one that can’t wait to see the back side of that yellow head as the door is closed.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m drawn to him. Under his spell. It’s embarrassing. 

Like a lot of Americans, I have had no problem looking past his shortcomings. I can see why some evangelicals say that he was sent by God to do the things we all secretly want done. He speaks his mind, and what he says reflects the inner workings of my mind. I hate that I love him.

He lives in his own little world — a world of fantasy that none of us could ever hope to achieve. He hardly ever works, and when he does, he does a crappy job. But still, he makes a fortune!

How in the world will we ever recover from being ruled by a television star that has no agenda but to react to whatever he is seeing at the moment? This guy shoots from the hip. At first I thought it was funny, but I no longer get the joke, and we MUST shut him up. He talks in circles, and people think he’s smart.

I’m talking about SpongeBob Squarepants, of course.

It’s no secret that SpongeBob expects everyone to fall in line. He wants you to tell him your secrets, but he can’t keep a secret.

“Well, it is no secret that the best thing about secrets is telling someone else your secret, thereby adding another secret to your secret collection of secrets secretly,” he said.

I wish I had listened to him. He seems very happy being single. He reads people well and doesn’t let his heart get broken.

“Always follow your heart, unless your heart is bad with directions,” he said.

Brilliant. Easier said than done, SpongeBob. What a know-it-all.

He never fears death. He’s rarely suffers injury. He drives fast and takes chances. He’s a lucky guy. When you are fearless, you don’t consider consequences. I hate lucky guys like that. So much winning.

“If I were to die right now in a fiery explosion due to the carelessness of a friend … then it would just be alright.”

He’s an eternal optimist, which I find tiring and annoying. Like a child, he’s always simplifying complicated issues.

“With imagination, you can be anything you want,” he said. “If you believe in yourself and with a tiny pinch of magic, all your dreams can come true.”

Right.

He’s more spiritual and wise than all the people in coned hats and itchy robes combined.

“You never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory,” he said. “No one can change a person, but someone can be a reason for that person to change.”

Deep. Deeper than the deep blue sea.

He knows when to hold them, and he knows when to fold them.

“Can I be excused for the rest of my life?”

Steve Skinner is over this jerk. Reach him at nigel@sopris.net.