Old Man Winter is a Bad Guy:  There is a lot wrong with this time of year.  I’m serious. I am talking about the weather and “Old Man Winter”.  Let me break it down for you. First, “old” is an ageist discriminatory term.  Let’s face it, 50 is not the new 30, as anyone over 50 can attest. The second word is “man”, so it is obviously sexist and refers to one of the “binary genders” (male or female, and that’s all, in case you are scoring at home).  So that gives you two problems with the word “man”.

What’s wrong with the word “winter”?  Well, let me tell you. What is the first thing you think of when hearing the word “winter”?  Snow of course, which is white, which by definition would be a racist reference. Ever hear the cliché, “pure as the driven snow”?  Not only is snow racist, but since we don’t value purity anymore, so “pure as the driven snow” is slut shaming and we can’t have any of that.  Wait, it get’s worse. What else comes to mind when thinking of winter? Santa Claus perhaps? Santa is fat, jolly and gives out presents. This is a big problem because if we describe Santa as fat, ahem, I mean curvy, we are body shaming.  It is also a bad idea to be jolly, since that may cause people without as many Facebook likes as Santa to have low self esteem, which can lead to people being “uncomfortable”. No one wants to see someone else happier than they are! The other problem with Santa, is that he is known to give out presents.  Some would call them gifts. That could remind you about the three wise men bringing gifts to baby Jesus. And that is just unacceptable.

Christmas is for getting flat screen TV’s on sale, not for celebrating the birth of our savior.  After all, he started Christianity and a religion that preaches virtues and calls out vices as bad behavior.  This is just too much. We can’t call out right or wrong, nope, that would be judgmental after all. And those TV’s need a lot of gift wrapping paper that has to be recycled and all those trees cut down to decorate.  This is all going downhill faster than Lindsey Vonn. Global warming, I mean climate change, is a serious problem, don’t you know? The smart people on TV tells us so. How can we allow trees to be cut all in the name of a Christmas tradition?  And another thing, Santa let Rudolph get bullied, in case you caught that in the news last week. Jesus and Santa are troublemakers. They never created any “safe space” areas for college students, now did they? Say Merry Christmas and you’ll offend someone with your “hate speech”.  It is all Old Man Winter’s fault.