Let’s Make a Deal:  The traffic. The boss.  The kids. The dog. Calgon, take me away.  After hearing about the Green New Deal championed by new Democrat congressional representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, I feel like I have slipped into a luxurious and relaxing bath.  If Democrats have their way, everyday will feel like a spa day as my problems, stresses and worries will melt like polar ice caps. It’s not easy being green, or is it? Let’s explore the “deal”.

Electric Dreams:  With the plan’s implementation, fossil fuel based energy will be eliminated in a dozen years, so that means no more gasoline, diesel, coal or natural gas.  I guess all cars and trucks become electric? For years, I heard politicians saying that we needed to kick the habit of foreign oil. The United States finally turned from an importer of oil to an exporter.  The proponents of the Green New Deal are essentially saying, “Thanks, but no thanks” to America being energy independent, we’ve got a less reliable and more expensive way to power your car and heat your house.  I am not sure how solar panels will keep my house warm if they are covered in foot of snow. They do know it gets cold here in the mountains, right? We still get plenty of snow here. Do they make the Prius with four wheel drive?  No matter, I’ll relax by using a self driving electric Uber car. Now, as soon I trade in my flip phone for a smart phone, I can download the app.

All Aboard:  Also, we don’t need those nasty fossil fuel burning airplanes because we’ll have a complete system of high-speed rail.  We’ll just use the same guys who for the past 10 years have been building the San Francisco to Los Angles rail. According to the LA Times, “the project is 13 years behind schedule and has grown in cost by $44 billion over its original $33-billion price target.”   But wait, news flash: the California governor just cancelled the project due to…take a guess…it will be too expensive and take too long. I’m sure the geniuses behind the Green New Deal will get high-speed rail for the whole country built early and under budget. After all, we all know how government agencies tend to be efficient with our money.  Who needs to bother with planes when you can catch the high-speed train to California? I can Uber down to the train station in town and be on the beach in no time. I can hear the relaxing sound of the waves crashing already. Now, if I can just remember my password so I can get that Uber app to download.

Back to School:  The plan also calls for free education for all.  I plan to go to CU-Boulder and major in Women Studies.  I did study women in my first go around in college, but now I can get class credit.  What a deal. And all for free. I need to get Lasik surgery so I don’t miss a thing.  I wonder if I’ll get invited to dorm parties. Of course, that could be a little creepy considering my age and the average age of a college freshman.  Instead, I’ll take political science classes for the sheer purpose of triggering snowflakes with ideas of capitalism and conservative values. Would wearing a MAGA hat be considered a micro-aggression?  I guess I’ll find out soon enough when I attend class. Does Ward Churchill still teach there?

Johnny Paycheck:  The best part of the plan is that it’s calling for economic security for all unable or unwilling to work.  I won’t have time to work since I’ll be in class studying women. I suppose I’ll be receiving some sort of stipend for basic living needs.  I have a lot of needs, so I hope it is a generous plan. I need fine wine, meals at fancy restaurants, new skis, and a hot tub. And while we are at it, throw in a Hawaiian vacation.  Does the high-speed rail go there? The government will meet my ever growing needs. How cool is that? Oh, and one more thing, I need a new phone with facial recognition so I don’t need to remember my password to download that Uber app.  I have no need to get up Monday morning and go to work. So, as I write this column, I also am sending an email to my boss, quoting the late great Johnny Paycheck from 1977, “Take this job and shove it”. May the relaxation begin.