It is my firm belief that teenagers instinctively try to get in trouble. They want to make their parents crazy, and frequently succeed. Years ago, one of my children was being a pain in the rear, and I let her know I disapproved of her behavior, in the most calm fatherly voice, of course. She replied that “sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” I quickly retorted, with love and tenderness, that I was going to find something that might break some of those bones. As I am sure it is recommended in parenting books, I decided to find the nearest object and lovingly throw it at her head. I was in the kitchen and the closest item was a bag of shredded cheese. Not only was my aim off, but the bag was open and half of its contents landed on the living room floor. My daughter was amused that the dog had found a new treat. My wife was not as amused that shredded cheese was all over the carpet; I can’t figure out why. Liberals keep telling us that words matter. I guess they matter more if you are constantly looking to be offended.
The No Brains Association, err, I mean the National Basketball Association announced last month that the owners of each team would now be referred to as “Governors” because the word “owner” is racially insensitive. I am not sure why “Governor” is a great term, since no one voted for them and you can’t impeach them out of the NBA. I guess the bank will now refer to me as Dwelling Occupier Paying Everyone, or “DOPE” instead of a homeowner. But I digress. As everything is racist these days, it only follows that owning a business is now racist. Slavery ended 154 years ago, but I guess there are people walking around, heads down and dejected, because someone “owns” a sports team and calling them a governor will now lift their spirits and make everyone happy. All our problems are solved now. I know I feel so much better now that the NBA has taken this enlightened view, as are the multi million dollar players, 75% of whom are black, driving around in their Lamborghinis, will now breathe a sigh of relief. But, if the NBA really wants good karma in the world, the Denver Nuggets need to sign me to a contract to play center. The NBA is not diverse, so they need more old short white people, and at 5’9” tall on a good day, they can simultaneously satisfy several diversity quotas. They will also have to get rid of the “Free” throw since that word might trigger some people, unless of course, it refers to free healthcare. I’ll also have to get a few dozen tattoos when I sign my NBA contract, but I can adapt.
Speaking of “words” that trigger angst, don’t you feel so much better that the city council in Berkeley, CA is changing their references to inanimate objects. The good and common sense citizens of Berkeley can sleep well knowing that “manhole covers” will now be referred to as “maintenance covers”. Words matter my friends, and let the oppressed feminist women rejoice! They can accurately call it a Women’s movement (Words Of Men Entirely Negated). Wait, the word “women” has the reference of “men”, so that is problem. We can call the ladies cisgender binary people, and they can put that on a mother’s day card. But that doesn’t include all women genders, does it? I am so confused. But again, I digress. Berkeley can go farther if they really want to. They can pass an ordinance to outlaw words with “man” in them, like foods such as Manhattan style clam chowder, manicotti, and mangos. Certain professions will forever be banned too, such as management consultants, professional mandolin players and those that shovel cow manure. And since they are Raiders fans, they will probably ban Peyton Manning within the city limits. Berkeley is full of the elite college educated, so it stands to reason that they will disallow any city employee from performing manual labor or anyone wanting to write a manuscript. However, since they are elite, I am guessing they’ll have an exemption for mansions. Man Made straws are already banned, so we are good there. This law is now mandated, by the way. I know, I have manhandled this topic and manipulated my readers. Call me a maniac. I am mean for mocking them, perhaps I should have consulted Miss Manners, but it’s not within my purview.