If you got bucks, like the dudes in Aspen, I’m here to help you with your lady problems. Not that I’m an expert but I’ve seen a lot of glitzy gals and glitz may be the direction we are going in around here. All the rich guys have partied in Aspen, from Donald Trump to Arnold Schwarzenegger, OJ Simpson to Ted Bundy, Lance Armstrong to Don Henley and they are always with the ladies. More and more I’m seeing members of the elite set here in the Grand Valley. They’re here!

Think your gal loves ya? Maybe, but probably not. Even your mum had some misgivings. According to a book called, “”Little White Lies, Deep Dark Secrets: The Truth about Why Women Lie,” published by St. Martin’s Press, fifty percent of women harbor “mixed feelings about mothering.” This is bad news for offspring everywhere, especially guys. Guys need their mommies. One mother confessed to author Susan Shapiro Barash that she was jealous of working women who have no children and no husbands.

Barash interviewed 500 lively, honest women and the results are unsettling to an old-fashioned guy like me. In Aspen, they still have some highly buffed, snipped, stitched, tucked, vacuumed, pulled, pounded, pouted, enhanced, caked, massaged, acupunctured, tinctured, medicated, hair-extensioned, dyed, tanned, toned, trained, styled, clipped, polished and decked women clinging to the Barbie image that we were all supposed to reject but can’t seem to shake. The hottest models are still rail thin!

But here’s a shocking surprise for you guys under the spell of the tucks stitches, enhancements and pluckings. No matter how deeply you look into the colored contacts, you are probably looking into pools of deception.

Barash talked with one model who said straight up that she lured a middle-aged rich guy into her clutches, faking all the time. “I say ‘I love you,’ and don’t mean it,” said the sad sack bottomfeeder.

I’m telling you rich gentlemen right now: She probably doesn’t love you, never mind like you. Just remember where your wallet is.

Hate to break the shocking news to you my brothers but three-quarters of our ladies are lying about how much of our hard-earned cash they’re spending. Barash says that wily women sneak purchases inside their homes after shopping, or hide the price tags. Seventy-five percent! And that’s just the ones who admit it outright. In Aspen that kind of behavior can add up in a hurry. There are some purses in town that cost as much as a new Cadillac. They can sneak purses in under the fur coats.

The trick to a lasting relationship with a high-end gal (even if it lasts for one night) is to acknowledge everything up front and let women spend as much as they want. This is the strategy if you can afford it. Otherwise you are going to drive each other crazy with the anger, jealousy and deceit. It worked for Paul McCartney. He lost more than half, but half of what he has is so much more than one person can possibly consume, so, no biggie, right?

If you are going to fit the bill to outfit your gal with the latest buffing, snipping, stitching, tucking, vacuuming, pulling, pounding, pouting, enhancing, caking, massaging, acupuncturing, tincturing, medicating, hair-extensioning, dyeing, tanning, toning, training, styling, clipping, polishing and decking the last thing you should do is make her sneak the $5,000 purse in under her fur coat because you are going to be pissed off at how much it cost! Besides, you do it too.

Get some perspective, man. If the purse helps her heal from the barrage of life as your trophy, you owe her the bling. She’s going to take it anyway so we might as well all get along.

I am now at an age where a bit of peeling, firming, toning and stitching would probably go a long way. My butt is disappearing and I think they have an app for that now. But guys rarely have a sugar momma to help them through the night, never mind cover the costs of making us look sexier.

I’ve always inherently trusted women more than men but this book changes everything. Now I realize that we are all just as bad as each other.

And who really knows if these women who took the survey were actually telling the truth about all that lying? They could have been lying about that, too.

Steve Skinner is confused around women but still loves his mother, whether she’s jivin’ or not. Reach him at nigel@sopris.net.